After some thought about how to wrap this up, it occured to me that no matter what I really put up here,--it wouldn't please everyone, which is so often--which may or may not be the public opinion--my intention.

People that wish to (If any even exist) view me as calloused, cold, a bitch etc, are going to do so, no matter how I choose to postpone my keeping an online diary.  But even so, there are probably some people (Optimistically, more people than I suppose view me in a more 'negative light') who would at least like to know why I haven't updated in so long.

In short, I just don't want to keep a blog anymore--for lots of different reasons that may, or may not be assumed.  And, that's alright, I don't mind about that too much--kind of goes in hand with what I said in the previous paragraph.  But truthfully, I just don't want to keep one anymore.  I don't have a lot of time to, and I think it comes in between me and actually reaching out to tell people how I am feeling.  Also, I just don't like when unhappy events arise over something as silly as a blog.  I'd like to try my hand at telling my friends my problems, instead of a small peice of web.

So, at least for now, I'm going to file these entries away and try something new.  I will probably come back to one of these things eventually, and I hope to find it all the more engaging.

All My Love,

Lacey

I just want things to be simple.

I just want to BE.

BE. BE.  BE.

Why do so few things exist without having to set them up, or making sure they don't fall down?

Is it to much to ask for a few things to simply come into focus, and stay there, no matter what?

Is it?  I'm not being egotistic, I'm really asking--I don't know.  Part of me thinks it is too much to want something for nothing... but my--eh--'soul' just craves it.  Just craves an institution, or idea, or person, or thing that I get, it clicks with my being, and just stays there.  I don't have to set up a freaking environment for it, and work on it constantly to maintain it.

I can't just be secure with anyone.  No one can be like that with anyone, it seems.  And if they say they are--they're lying.

I feel badly for seeing straight through people--they tell me I'm wrong, and I feel like a big assuming jerk.  But deep on the inside I know I'm right.  And feel guilty for telling them that I see them for who they really are--I see what they are trying to hide.

And I incessantly feel like I"m judged for comments like this.  Am I?  I don't know.  Then I feel badly for feeling like I'm being judged.  Wasn't I just preaching about being secure?  I'm one of the most insecure people I know.

Maybe I'm like this because no one has ever given me a reason to be secure?  To trust?  An easy way out, I guess.

I don't know.

I don't know.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA.  That American Government class did me SO much good. =)

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 4 out of 10 right!

More later--including Lacy Ginger Chicken and my new hair color. ^.^

Grr, I'm so tired of being me!

I do so many things I dislike that piss me off and twist me around inside.

But this is what I do when I'm just doing.  When I'm not spinning in circles of insecurity, and second-guessing myself over everything and making myself a zero in my own book--if I don't just be, I go crazy too.

So what's right?  The way that makes more people I love/care about/somewhat care about happy?

I don't know!

When do I get to start being more secure?  Damnit, I've worked on it, I've tried so hard and I feel like I'm stuck in 2nd gear.  I know tons of people that aren't (Ok, that's a lie, but most of them don't even have a fraction of what I have... that, or they're impeccable actors.  I'm leaning towards the first.)  how did they get that way?  Time?  Wisdom?  Support?

Jesus...  When do I get to start liking myself?

Ok, let me rephrase that--I already do like myself.  When do I get to start loving myself?  When do I get to stop -doubting- myself?

UGHHHH!!!

I thought this was pretty fun. =)

You are

So I'm alright, back in school and everything--trying to resestablish my groove.  HA.  Well, trying to -make- one... I didn't really have one for the entire second semester of last year.

Things are swell, really. =)  Although, I do missing being with friends as often as I was this summer.  That, and the mass amounts of sleep--I kinda got used to those.

But after many schedules and schedule changes, I'm set, and, like I said--trying to establish GROOVE.

1st Hour-- College American History:  This is my favorite class!  It's a satellite class, so I get to set at a table in a swirly-leather chair, and pretend I'm an astronaut--talking into a microphone and watching someone talk to me via a TV.  So laid back!  I cross my legs indian-style, eat breakfast, and take notes over interesting stuff (Right now, the Old West =) )!  NO homework, a handful of essays spread out over the -entire- year, a test every 3 weeks, and a research paper with -our- choice of topic.  My topic?  Wyatt Earp.  Oh yeah.  =D  If this is what college is like--COUNT ME IN!

P.S.  Boy, did we white folk fuck over the indians.

2nd Hour-- World Literature: God.  And I was really looking forward to this class--even ripped open my schedule just -for it.-  This teacher sucks!  She says to expect to do an essay a week, in addition to any assigned in class.  Also, we have to read a book a month, (Writing a 'Book Review' over that as well--aren't I bit old for book reports?!) in addition to whatever is assigned in class.  Bleh!  Not to mention that from what I can gather, this lady is her very own hero/favorite person ever.

3rd Hour-- LIFETIME SPORTS:  That is, at least starting tomorrow--THANK GOD.  I originally had Body Conditioning this hour, and for the past two days have regretted every 49 minutes of it--not to mention the hour afterwards that I'm -shaking-, and/or nauseated.  Not to mention the pain of hobbling around/squatting/rising from a chair/walking et. al.!  Gah--I know it's in me somewhere, but that's not what I took the class for, I took the class for exercise--and from what kids had said before, it was mild exercise, despite the name.  So, psuedo-reluctantly (But absolutely NO regrets!) I dropped today for this lighter workout regimen--for instance.. croquet!   I am -so- happy.  Did I mention that I got the last slot in the class?!!!  -So- happy.

4th Hour-- Calculus:  Wow, why am I in here again?  At least I love the teacher and have Paula to help me (Thanks a million, doll!).  I know I can do this, I just gotta do the homework. =P

Lunch-- Heheheheehe.  So, this isn't really a class.  But I'm a senior--I can officially cut in the lunchline now.  MAN does lunch feel -so- much longer now! =)  ...Just thought I'd bring it up...

5th Hour-- Spanish II:  Will be easy more or less.  Some hard projects and a lot of homework--but the homework is really the only trick, it's in the same boat as Calc.  As long as I stay on top of things, I should be ok.  This is my class with Dawno and I sit -right- behind her! =D

6th Hour-- Teacher's Assistant:  Did I mention I am the only one in school?  I had to write an essay to the principal to be able to do it--otherwise they aren't allowed--to let her know that I wanted to know more of what it was like to be a teacher, etc.  It's alright, I don't really do much.  But it gives me time to chill and get homework done--call me lazy, but it is really nice.

7th Hour-- Mythology:  Peice of cake.  Gotta love those Aztecs--they just wanted to kill everyone, especially pregnant ladies.  Also, I have Paula and Jessica. =)

I don't really have a lot else to say/going on.  Mom's been working nights and sleeping at Richard's, so I've been living by myself effectively.  It's ok--but it gets kind of lonely.  To compensate, I have been exploring the world of cooking... and, ya know, since I'm the one that has to do it now.  So far I have bested seared porkchops, bacon, pancakes, tacos, and tons of steamed veggies.  Additionally, I might add that I have been eating a lot more healthy--every day since school started I've had 5 fruits/veggies a day!  And I officially eat whole-grain -everything- now.  Baby steps I guess--but everyday!  Plus, I've been drinking milk and orange juice a lot--and water (Raspberry flavored Dasani is DELICIOUS).

Owwwww, the longer I sit down--the more it hurts when I get up... *sigh*  1 4m w34k.

Shout-outs to Adam--he needs them right now.

Word to Cizzle--much love your way.

Has anyone read "A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Man"?  Info please?

OH OH OH OH!  I almost forgot!!!  I start violin lessons next wednesday!